It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
