Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
