recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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