rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
