Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
