I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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