can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
