fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize