theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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