There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
nutella sex= disaster
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
