FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
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