she woke up with a sticky ear
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
