textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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