if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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