I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
