Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
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