i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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