i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
