I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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