Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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