I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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