you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
