Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
