You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
