dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
