the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
