i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
