Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
