Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
