and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
