went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Randomize
