then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
