like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
