his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
