i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
