every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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