I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Randomize
