The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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