nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
