It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
