I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
