I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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