There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
my suitemate came in my room last night and flashed me. and then she just walked away. deff transferred to the right school
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
