Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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