I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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