The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize