her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
