Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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