My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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