Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
