Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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