the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
