I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
