I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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