I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
