She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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