How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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