Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
