i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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