I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
