Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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