Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
