You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize